film photo scans / digital collage by caylie hausman

avant et après

before you
I didn’t make the bed.

I left the sheets
open. Vulnerable,

for all to see. But
we started waking up

together, and I started
making your bed.

and then
you left.

and now I make
my bed every morning

because
at least that’s something.

Dreaming of when I was
listening to you

in the shower,
waiting for you to come back

out and and kiss me
good morning.

Now I stare off
into nothing.

And now you probably keep
a parallel routine,

with a girl similar
to me

but just different
enough to wash out

the stain of vices not in your possession.
Can you haunt me if you’re still alive?

You certainly
haunt my spaces.

I feel the weight
of your shadow

having just faded
off into the distance,

a new shape
accompanied your disappearance.

….

You don’t know me anymore.
You haven’t met me for a long time.

….

After you I may still have the same tendencies but
Oh! how I have grown and shifted and changed.

You don’t know me anymore.
You haven’t met me for a long time.

And I can only imagine,
if you’re doing it right

that means I also
no longer

Know
You.

I have been going these
places for years,

alone.

You don’t know me anymore.
You haven’t met me for a long time.

I do not mind saying
goodbye, we just

said it wouldn’t be
Final. and then it was.

Just because it isn’t my boundary,
doesn’t mean
it isn’t important.

I hope you feel
love

shining through
every day because

you deserve
it.

I hope you know
that even though

we weren’t meant for each other
it was still a beautiful moment.

I hope she holds you close
and makes your bed

while you’re in the shower,
and that sometimes you think of me

in those early
morning hours.

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