Left to Write, About a Muse on the Right

Memories are most vivid in the insomnia that occupies your space in my brain.

I used to
be able
to fall asleep
on my left side
when I slept
next to you.
I used to be able to sleep
in almost any position,
next to you.
I didn’t need you to hold me,
but I liked it.
It was
good sleep.
Sleep I still crave.
I don’t miss you much,
anymore. Until I try
to fall asleep on
my left side.
Left to find
I can only sleep
in a ball on my right
side. curled up like a
wilted flower, unaccepting
of water, carefully
situated with cushions
on each side,
in effort to disinvite you
from my bed. In effort
to disinvite your bed
from my memory.
In effort to bring
comfort that I’ve only
felt for the short time
you occupied the right
side.
I do not miss you much,
anymore. But when I do
sleep evades, and I lie
awake dreaming of you,
knowing if you were
here I’d be asleep–
……..
But I’d also be so different.
It’s hard to grieve
a life you never could live.
One that slipped through
your fingers; the hourglass
never even made it to the show.
It was destined to be uncontained
until it blew away.
We sparked a fire that burned blue and then was snuffed out.
We both know
it was supposed to be
like this. But,
why can’t I sleep
in any position,
by myself?
………
It’s 1:50am.
I tried sleeping on my left side
and you popped into my brain
like melatonin happens in other people’s.
I haven’t thought of you for a week or two, which makes me smile.
(maybe that’s a lie I stopped keeping track.)
I’m still waiting for good sleep.
But not for you.
(a lie I told myself until it sank in to my pretend.)
It’s 1:51am and I have given
up and rolled over to
my right side,
your memory slips in and out
some nights. Tonight it danced along my
thought patterns like a bird on an electrical wire
and played muse.
…….
It’s funny how someone can
be so far away, for all the right reasons,
and still feel like the one thing
you’ll always need. Though you
know deep down, you do not need, it
only feels like that because of the security
before the smoke rose to the air
as the blue extinguished into char.
It can never be unburnt.
You cannot put ash back together,
no matter how much you long to.